ugh

Monday, April 25, 2011, 8:32:03 PM
Today was my first treatment. I'm so wiped out. When i first woke up from the procedure I didnt know where I was or why I was there or what was going on. I asked who sent me there and said I should have that treatment done. I didnt know what day/month/year it was. I was extremely emotional, feverish, soar throat, and nautious and couldnt keep my balance very well. I'm still feeling pretty emotional and wiped out. My jaw and throat still hurt. My muscles ache.But I'm feeling a bit better after I got home and rested. The Dr. told my mom that we should be seeing results by the end of the week (after my third treatment) that is if its gonna work at all.
I'll give you some humilitating examples of how bad my depression is. in 2000/2001 I moved into an apt by myself in Iowa. I lived there for over a yr. and I can tell you that I probably used the shower a dozen times. I would just wash up in the sink...and that is only because I worked full time. After living different places and states. I lived in Lasalle by myself for over a yr. and worked full time....I did not use the shower ONCE. This is humiliating but shows how little I cared and lack of ambition i had. I am now on disability and shower maybe once every three months or so. i just dont care or have the energy to care. I've gained a bunch of weight and look even worse than i did before. I'll be sharing more stories of how my depression has affected me and how my treatment is responding. I'm just really worn out right now. Ciao for now. :)
Tuesday, April 26, 2011, 9:48:48 AM
I remember when I decided to go to a Christian University in Tennessee. I was 29yrs old at the time. I got to live in the dorms and had a wonderful roomate. I worked in the Student Services office so I knew the Dean of Women the Dean of the Men, the house mother for the girls and other hiararchy's. Well, I was going through a bout of depression and I had told my RA. Well her and her fiance had just broke up so she was going through a bad time herself. HOWEVER, she was good friends with the house mother for the girls. The RA told me that she could not spend her time worrying about me. She literally said that. Well she let everyone in the office know what was going on with me (this was just before finals and Christmas break.) Anyway, like one day before I was going to go home for break, I suddenly (which I belive was God telling me) had a feeling that they as a collaboration were not going to let me come back to the school. I asked the secretary of the school (who is also the first angel I've ever met :)) if they were going to let me come back to school there after Christmas break. Her jaw just dropped, and I had my answer. So I went to the house mother of the girls and asked her and she said "Now is not a good time to talk about it." I said what? I leave tomorrow!! She refused to talk to me about it. The next day before I took my finals and headed home for break, the deans called me in their office. They told me they were going to have to think about whether I got to come back to school there or not and let me know over Christmas break....that they would let me know a couple days before I had to come back to school. I was devistated. I said you are going to make me worry about this my whole Christmas break? They said, well if you trust God you wont worry about it. (which was a cheap shot, but true) Well, as Christmas break was coming to an end I still hadnt heard from them and I had called several times and left messages. Finally, I just decided that I was going to go back without hearing anything from them. So half way to TN, from IL, i got a phone call on my cell phone. It was the school saying I could come back but I had two wks to move out of the dorm.(they werent going to give me anytime as they had already moved everything out of my room and moved someone else in) GASP!! Two wks to come up with money for rent, to find a full time job and an apartment and go to school full time, all while I was still severely struggling with depression? Yah, that made things better. Anyway, when I got back to school. I did none of the following things except go to school and continue working in the Student Services office. I was doing one thing...trusting that God was going to take care of everything. I told my roomate that if they made me move out that I was just going to go live in the homeless shelter that the church of the school sponsored. That wouldnt look so good for them. But I would have done it. Anyway, the day I was supposed to move out of the dorms, the deans came to me and said I could stay to the end of the semester but I would have to live off campus the next semester. What a terrible stigma depression has, and how some people can be so unsupportive of it. Christians arent perfect people, people. Needless to say, I got a lot of lectures on what I should be doing to help my depression..as if I didnt know anything. Dont get me wrong, I'm not dogging the school AT ALL. I would go back in a heart beat. It was the ignorance of people on the situration at hand that lead to bad decision making on the authorities part. I guess this is just an example of why I am blogging. To help people understand. These kind of things need to stop happening because of mental illness.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011, 6:26:50 PM
I'm feeling very discouraged today. But had many encouraging words from friends and family on facebook today. I know that I just need the faith of a mustard seed for this to work. But do you know how many times I've had that much faith or more and nothing got better. Its hard. Especially how crappy I feel after the treatments. They are not fun. You wake up from it and forget where you are, what day, year, month it is and many other things. So far it comes back after a short time. I wake up from the treatment very sore from the muscle contractions of the seizures. I'm very emotional because I wake up unaware and scared. Before my first treatment I asked the dr. if "Am I gonna pee my pants during this?" (you stay in your clothes and even shoes during the procedure) I asked because I know that is what happens when people have grand mal seizures. But the dr. and nurses assured me that it was very rare that that happened. WRONG!!! thats all I'm gonna say about that.
Please pray pray pray pray pray, for me. I cant live like this anymore. This HAS to work. I wish I had the faith my friends and family had. But I've seen so many things fail in the last 15yrs that I'm struggling in the faith department. This makes me very sad. very very sad. I love my Lord and I want to obey HIm by trusting in Him....but I am really struggling. Thank you all for loving me and praying for me. I'll continue to keep you updated. :)