hi. I really don't know why I'm writing this. Because I don't really want to talk about my depression anymore. I really believe that I've lost all hope. Yet I don't want anyone to be discouraged by this because I know that God still works, moves and heals others. which I know it contradicting to what I am saying. I'm not really going to say how bad things are because it doesn't do any good and nothing changes by doing so and I don't want people to think I'm looking for a pity party. I've been thinking the last few days about just going to a live in a mental hospital. The reason is, is because I believe I would be taken better care of there. I don't take care of myself. I don't find pleasure or happiness in things, and everyone has to do everything for me. (mainly my mom) and now my case worker is wanting to get someone to come into my home and help me with daily living. I'm not ignorant and I feel like this would just make me feel worse. I know this, once again, is contradicting my suggestion of living in a mental hospital. But its just how I feel. I don't know what to do. I really believe this is the lowest I've been. I know I've tried suicide as a way out in the past, but right now I'm not having those thoughts. I really don't understand it. Who would choose to live in a mental hospital the rest of their lives as opposed to taking their own life? I know not much of this makes sense, but nothing really does to me anymore. I don't know what else to do to get well and to be frank, I don't really care. I'm tired of trying. I just cant do it anymore.
You don't have to leave comments or anything because nothing makes me feel better. The only thing I found hope in was God. And now it almost makes me angry or disgusted to see scriptures or promises from God because where is He now? I'm sorry to God that I feel this way. But I just cant find it in me to care about myself anymore.
