this little light of mine..

hi all. I dont know really know what to write, but I guess I feel I need to. I don't talk/text to anyone anymore except my mom maybe once a day or every other day, and my sister occasionally. Things just aren't good. I've been sleeping about 16hrs a day. I try to sleep more because I just don't want to be awake. I got one of those "mood lights" that a book suggested. I've used it the last three days in a row. It's for like depression or people that get SADD. I noticed the first day, that I didn't even want to turn it off, but the last two days havent seemed to make a difference yet. I'm taking the supplements the author of the book I've mentioned, has suggested. Still not feeling any changes. I did cut back on that med I mentioned the last time, so the suicidal thoughts have subsided quite a bit. Weird thing is though, is that I just want to cry almost ALL the time. I know some people think that this is what depressed people do anyway, but in my case it is not. This is a rare symptom for me. It's hard for me to talk to my mom cuz I just want to cry, sometimes I cant hold it in and sometimes I can. I "stuff" it in because I know there is really nothing to be crying about. I dont know what the problem is. The only other time I had this problem is when we first figured out that what I had was depression. I went to talk to my mom and dad and started crying and couldnt stop. LITERALLY. It was so bad my mom took me to the hospital. This was like 15yrs ago so depression wasnt as "exposed" as it is today. I cried the whole time in the ER and kept telling them I had no idea why I was crying. They sent me home and I, again, would literally cry for three to four hours without stopping. I couldnt control it and I didnt know why I was crying. It could be that way right now, but I understand it more and can control it a bit better, even though I'm crying while I write this. haha
I just know that the only reason I havent taken my life at this point is because of God. I have no hope in myself but I have hope in God. I dont know what He's doing...and it makes me sad sometimes that I am the way I am, but I know from reading the Bible that God uses the most unlikely and the weakest to show how mighty He is. I just hope that I fall into that category. As always please pray for me. I have no idea when things will get better. I'm trying and always have tried to get better. I really am doing the best *I* can.

no title today.

I've been having several fleeting thoughts of suicide lately. Death just seems so easy. I guess it really is. To die is much easier than to live. I'm just so tired. Tired of being unhappy and overwhelmed and worthless to others. But today I remembered that I asked my Dr. to up one of my meds just a little, about a month ago. One that helps with anxiety/depression. It helps with the physical pain I get from these things. The thing is the last few years, whenever I try a new anti depressant I get more suicidal. oxymoron to say the least. But I always forget that the meds are USUALLY (in the past few years) what give me these thoughts. So I just went back tonite to the dose I was on before. I'm hoping this is the cause. Please pray for me. I don't want to live like this anymore. I'm trying to take steps to what the book I'm reading gives to get well. All natural things. But blessed be to God. He is the Lover of my soul and the only reason I keep on living.