Update

OK, so I'm writing to update. I'm beginning to wonder why I started this blog in the first place. Because I dread writing in it each time. But the reason(s) I'm writing, is that if (I know this sounds cliche) but if it can help one person to know they are not alone, or help someone to be more empathetic towards mental illness or in any other way, it will be worth it.
Things seemed to be going a little better the end of summer and beginning of fall last year. Then it went down hill. Now I don't know if it was because of the winter weather where SADD creeps up on many people. All I know is that once again I felt completely immobilized. I practically was. I would sleep 16-20hrs a day. I would pretty much never leave the house. If I did it was just to walk out and get the mail every couple of wks, or drive a mile down the road to the local convenient store. (and that was only like once or twice a month) Then I got to where I wouldn't leave at all. My mom started bringing food over because she knew I wouldn't leave the house to go get food. Don't get me wrong, I'm not at all agoraphobic,I just don't care, or have any motivation, energy, and a lot of other things.
I think I wrote in my last blog post that I was thinking about just admitting myself permanently into some kind of institute. That is really what I wanted to do. This way I would be a burden to no one. So I called my caseworker and told her what I wanted to do. I called her because from the first day I met her she has gone above and beyond her call of duty, and I knew she would get the job done quickly and painlessly. Welp. She had other plans. She came to my house. She told me of the services that they have to keep me out of an institute. So now I have a residential lady that comes twice a wk to help me with whatever or if I just need to talk. So far we've just talked. Then I have a recovery coach that comes once a wk. He is really awesome. He has had mental illness and really "gets it" and then my caseworker comes once a wk. She is an angel, my mom and I are so grateful for her. I cannot speak highly enough of her. Anyway, I seemed to be doing a little better, and then of course some physical things popped up and I quickly went downhill again. I've been having fleeting thoughts of suicide which I haven't had in a long time. If I didn't tell you, or you don't remember. about three years ago, I was lying in bed thinking about suicide, and how much I just wanted to die. And I heard (what some people call "that still small voice") meaning God. He said "Missy, suicide is not an option." and from that day I have never thought of it as an option again. I may have the thoughts of wishing I could have those thoughts (if that makes sense) it even makes me angry sometimes knowing I cant do it. I'm more scared of disobeying God in committing suicide, than I am of the actual act of suicide.
So anyway, this is my not so exciting update. OH, one more thing, my caseworker and I are working on getting me an appointment into Mayo's to get checked from head to toe. So hopefully that is the next step. ....."hope" is hard word for me to say anymore..doesn't seem like that I have much left these days.

what now?

hi. I really don't know why I'm writing this. Because I don't really want to talk about my depression anymore. I really believe that I've lost all hope. Yet I don't want anyone to be discouraged by this because I know that God still works, moves and heals others. which I know it contradicting to what I am saying. I'm not really going to say how bad things are because it doesn't do any good and nothing changes by doing so and I don't want people to think I'm looking for a pity party. I've been thinking the last few days about just going to a live in a mental hospital. The reason is, is because I believe I would be taken better care of there. I don't take care of myself. I don't find pleasure or happiness in things, and everyone has to do everything for me. (mainly my mom) and now my case worker is wanting to get someone to come into my home and help me with daily living. I'm not ignorant and I feel like this would just make me feel worse. I know this, once again, is contradicting my suggestion of living in a mental hospital. But its just how I feel. I don't know what to do. I really believe this is the lowest I've been. I know I've tried suicide as a way out in the past, but right now I'm not having those thoughts. I really don't understand it. Who would choose to live in a mental hospital the rest of their lives as opposed to taking their own life? I know not much of this makes sense, but nothing really does to me anymore. I don't know what else to do to get well and to be frank, I don't really care. I'm tired of trying. I just cant do it anymore.
You don't have to leave comments or anything because nothing makes me feel better. The only thing I found hope in was God. And now it almost makes me angry or disgusted to see scriptures or promises from God because where is He now? I'm sorry to God that I feel this way. But I just cant find it in me to care about myself anymore.

death to meatballs

OK, I don't know who reads my occasional posts. And personally I don't know why you would. Anyway, I really don't know what's going on with me. I seem to be getting worse, even though I've tried new things that are clinically proven to help depressed people. My siste3r asked me the other day what causes me to get worse? what are you doing differently or not doing differently? I told her I did not know, that I was was trying to do things to help..I'm more sad..for what I don't know. I cry more. for what I don't know. My body is in a lot of constant physical pain, why I don't know.ok, I'm done writing for now, my computer is being stupid. please pray. again. ugh.