Saturday, April 23, 2011, So I now feel like an even bigger freak, now that I've shared some of my most vulnerable life things. UGH. what have I got myself into? haha. I remember one time when I was around 19 my friend and I had plans to go out. Well, she blew me off. I had called her folks house and they said she had left to go to Dixon. And without crying or anything nor had I been having suicidal thoughts. I said to myself" I'm gonna kill myself". So I went to the cupboard to find as many pills as I could. Literally as soon as I was fixin to take them, the doorbell rang. It was my friend who "blew me off" SHe said she was on her way to Dixon and suddenly felt the need to turn around to come and get me. And for everyone who knows this area and that I lived in TRiumph. NOBODY ever came to Triumph, I ALWAYS met my friends in Mendota. It was such a (what I call) "A God thang." My point of the story is really to let people know not to go too long with out seeking professional help, if you feel you are felling depressed or having symptoms of depression. Because you never know who, what, where or when a suicial thought can be triggered.
Sunday, April 24, 2011,7:18:57 AM.
welp, I still havent slept yet. I was so tired last night I was excited! I thought for sure I would sleep well. No such luck. Tomorrow is the big day. I get my first ECT treatment.I have to leave here at 5:30 in the morning. I cant take my anxiety meds *biting nails already* I can't eat after midnight and I have to take 20mg of Pepcid (I'm not sure why, I'll have to ask tomorrow) Anyway, I'm more nervous that this procedure wont work, than I am nervous about anything else. The other day when I was in group one of the members said "I'm proud of you Missy, because you keep on pushing, searching for ways to get better, doing what it takes." I almost started crying because what he doesnt know is that I feel like the biggest failure ever. Failure of everything. Everytime I've tried to push through this depression, Ive failed. I've failed at everything I've tried to do to help myself. To me, I've failed in God's eyes, to my folks, to my family, to my friends, to jobs and schools. I feel I've never suceeded. NEVER. Every medicine and therapy's have failed me. If this procedure fails. I really don't know what I'll do. I told my mom last night that I even failed at trying to kill myself. In 2001 I overdosed with 2-3 hundred prescription pills. Approx: 90 Paxil, 60 Wellbutrin, 30 Ambien, 25 Xanax, some Vicodin and every over the counter drug I could find. My mom found me and called 911. They did call a code blue on me, but by the next day I was to my normal self (health wise). Another time I tried, was in 2005. I had found a brand new prescription of my dads blood pressure medicine so I stole it. That night before I went to bed, I took the whole bottle in hopes I would just "go" in my sleep. But noooooooo. I woke up the next morning as if nothing had happen. My friend and I get a chuckle out of that one...saying God aint about to let me go. Any who. I don't know how my brain/body is going to react to this treatment. They say I can lose my my short term memory in lenghts of weeks to months and worst case scenerio, years. But they say it comes back around within a couple of months after stopping treatment. So I dont know if I'll be blogging or what. I sure want to and I'm having my mom write down things she finds out of the ordinary so I can share with you all what I dont recognize or remember. I'm staying with my folks during this time due to the intensity of the procedure. My mom even took a leave of absence from work to take me to and from my appts and to be with me. :) Thats love, yo! I LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH!! You have no idea how much love in my heart I have for people. Oh! And please never try to commit suicide. thats just silly. like i've said I've dealt with it since I was a little girl and I'm cough38cough now. i was just so exhausted. Its a fight just to survive each day. I'm going to extremes to get help. It usually doesnt have to go this far. But I know withouut a reason of a doubt there is a reason GOD has let it get to this point. I hope soon that I will be shouting from the mountain top of how God took this poor, weak, worthless servant and made her into something wonderful! much love to you all, once again. And please oh please if you are praying for me, not only pray that this will work, but that it will have EXTRAORDINARY results. thanks guys. luuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuv you!!!!