today is April 20th, 2011. Yesterday I finished up my pre-ECT tests. I had to get a physical from my Primary Physician, a chest x-ray, an EKG, blood work and a urine sample. The doctor's nurse that is going to perform the ECT called me today and said they already had everything but the chest x-ray, and that we should be able to get the procedure started Monday the 25th of this month. And that she would call me Friday with more details. What I've researched and what I've been told by the Dr. and nurse involved in this is that they are going to do a bi-lateral shock treatment. This is where they shock both sides of the brain. The research and Dr. both said that this type, as opposed to just shocking one side of the brain, is more effective. From what he told me these shocks put you in a full blown grand mal seizure. However, they give you meds to paralyze your body to keep you safe, and they put you under general anastheic. He said the most common side effects, are short term memory loss, headache and bodyache. The reason for the body ache is because all though your body isnt physically moving during the treatment, your muscles are.
My appt. on April 12th with the specialist went very well. He was very nice with a good sense of humor. He was honest and kind.. Anyway he basically told me the things in the fore mentioned paragraph. He also told me that because I was resistant to so many anti depressants, that I had a lower percentage of this procedure being effective. He said just over a 5O percent chance. And if I would have came in earlier (like yrs earlier) it would likely have an even higher success rate. WHO KNEW? although two yrs ago, I admitted myself into the hospital because of severe suical thoughts. But I heard that still small voice inside of me (you know...GOD) say "Missy, right now all I need you to do is exsist." I cried and cried because all I wanted to do was end the suffering. But being obedient to God was more important. This is why I admitted myself in the hospital...to keep my self safe from myself. I begged my Dr. to refer me to ECT and he refused. He thought I didnt need it. and i cant completely blame him. i put on a great facade. and I always lacked on giving out information on how really bad the depression was (which I will get to later.)12:09:58 AM
today is April 21st. I had my group therapy today. I hate group therapy. It just seems to be so much drama and gossip. Anyway, one guy was talking about how he used to have panic attacks when he was little. It made me remember that I too had them as a child. So many things growing up I felt or had, I just took as that was life, these things were normal. A few of the big things that attributed to my childhood depression are the following (although I believe with every fiber of my being I was born with depression/anxiety)..the first thing is started during the summer between my second and third grade yrs. I remember my mom being in the bathroom using the mirror above the sink. So I used the body length mirror on the door. I remember seeing an eyelash on my cheek. I was extremely facinated with it. (for some psycho reason) so I had to have more of them. I stood there for several minutes pulling out eyelashes and staring at them, it was a weird obsession. Unfortunately the pulling of the eyelashes did not stop there and hasnt stopped for the past thirty years. I have a thing called Trichotillomania. Its kind of like OCD. This is the first time Ive really talked about it with anyone..including family and therapists. Ten yrs after this started, the summer between my Jr. and Sr. year, i began to pull out my eyebrows!! Yay beauty at its finest!! :/ I'm not quite sure why ten yrs later this began in another direction. I do know that my senior year I was very, very depressed. Of course I didnt know it was depression. Again i just thought it was the way everyone was. Anyway, I CANNOT impress upon anyone the humiliation that this diagnosis affected me. It steals your self image and crushes it like some kind of unstoppable monster. How do you explain as an eight year old to an adult why you dont have eyelashes? when it is self inflicted...so to speak. Ive begged and cried to God to take this "curse" away from me. But I guess we never know what God uses to humble us. I now wear false eyelahes and use eyeliner to pencil in where my eyebrows should be. So if anyone had ever thought I was cute or something...you were as far away from the truth as possible. Now that I have the fake eyelashes, there is still a significant amount of stress. What if it rains and the eyelashes get wet? (they ruin when they get wet) what if I cry? what if I get sweaty? what if I want to go swimming? (which I dont) what if the eyelash glue wears off? what if I want to spend the night some where and then have to take them off and people see the "real" super ugly me? what if someone gets to close and points them out? what do i say? and the list literally goes on and on. These are thoughts I have on a daily basis. My whole life I've feared getting to physically or emotionally close to ANYONE in fear that they would ask me why I do that and I really have no explanation. this disease or whatever it is has impacted my life so negatively that i could write a whole book about it. I guess however it has made me much more sensative to others insecurities. Who are we to judge what makes someone insecure?
Another childhood "thing" was that I started wetting the bed at about that same time. This went on until i was fourteen years old! yes, I said fourteen. So that meant very few sleepovers for me. This also added to the out of control feeling I had with the Trichotillomania. Another big insecurity for a child.
Also at this time I started having night terrors. I know to anyone who knows stuff about stuff, that all of these things point to abuse or trama of some kind. But there was none. Like I said i feel I was born with these anxietys and such.
Well, four more days until I start my ECT treatments. Lord I ask for your mercy and grace. 11:58:22 PM
Well, its 22 April, 2011, 4:27:28 AM. Irregular sleeping habits is also of course a sypmtom of depression. I just had to get up and get a drink and walk around for a bit. I also have restless leg syndrome. UGH!! One of the most uncomfortable, odd feelings ever!! I hate it. I've had trouble sleeping since I was very small. I would cry many days before school because I was so tired due to lack of sleep. When I was in the seventh grade I got Mono. After that I was never quite the same. My mom took me to the dr. about a year later and told the dr. that I was always tired and never had the strength or energy that I used to have. The dr. said that that the virus is believed to stay in your body for the rest of your life. I've asked Dr.s, Professors, therapists and people who have had mono and they all say that the persons who have had it have never been the same. So I believe that this added to my already depressed state. After that, I never wanted to go to school. I hated it. I did well without opening a book, but I hated it. I often skipped school when my parents were both at work just so I could stay home and sleep. I never skipped school to go out and do party things...just to sleep. The same went with high school. Although looking back. My depression came more in waves. I remember maybe for six months I would be able to do things socially. But then maybe for three months I would retreat and isolate. I skipped a lot of highschool too. Again just to stay home and sleep. However, to those of you reading this that knew me in high school, know that I was quite the little social butterfly, cracking jokes, telling funny stories and just really living it up. but no one knew that every night i would stuff my head in my pillow and cry for hours and have no idea why. Again, this was something I just thought everyone did. I never told people a lot of things because I didnt know it wasn't normal. At least I think thats why...