Monday, April 25, 2011, 8:32:03 PM
Today was my first treatment. I'm so wiped out. When i first woke up from the procedure I didnt know where I was or why I was there or what was going on. I asked who sent me there and said I should have that treatment done. I didnt know what day/month/year it was. I was extremely emotional, feverish, soar throat, and nautious and couldnt keep my balance very well. I'm still feeling pretty emotional and wiped out. My jaw and throat still hurt. My muscles ache.But I'm feeling a bit better after I got home and rested. The Dr. told my mom that we should be seeing results by the end of the week (after my third treatment) that is if its gonna work at all.
I'll give you some humilitating examples of how bad my depression is. in 2000/2001 I moved into an apt by myself in Iowa. I lived there for over a yr. and I can tell you that I probably used the shower a dozen times. I would just wash up in the sink...and that is only because I worked full time. After living different places and states. I lived in Lasalle by myself for over a yr. and worked full time....I did not use the shower ONCE. This is humiliating but shows how little I cared and lack of ambition i had. I am now on disability and shower maybe once every three months or so. i just dont care or have the energy to care. I've gained a bunch of weight and look even worse than i did before. I'll be sharing more stories of how my depression has affected me and how my treatment is responding. I'm just really worn out right now. Ciao for now. :)
Tuesday, April 26, 2011, 9:48:48 AM
I remember when I decided to go to a Christian University in Tennessee. I was 29yrs old at the time. I got to live in the dorms and had a wonderful roomate. I worked in the Student Services office so I knew the Dean of Women the Dean of the Men, the house mother for the girls and other hiararchy's. Well, I was going through a bout of depression and I had told my RA. Well her and her fiance had just broke up so she was going through a bad time herself. HOWEVER, she was good friends with the house mother for the girls. The RA told me that she could not spend her time worrying about me. She literally said that. Well she let everyone in the office know what was going on with me (this was just before finals and Christmas break.) Anyway, like one day before I was going to go home for break, I suddenly (which I belive was God telling me) had a feeling that they as a collaboration were not going to let me come back to the school. I asked the secretary of the school (who is also the first angel I've ever met :)) if they were going to let me come back to school there after Christmas break. Her jaw just dropped, and I had my answer. So I went to the house mother of the girls and asked her and she said "Now is not a good time to talk about it." I said what? I leave tomorrow!! She refused to talk to me about it. The next day before I took my finals and headed home for break, the deans called me in their office. They told me they were going to have to think about whether I got to come back to school there or not and let me know over Christmas break....that they would let me know a couple days before I had to come back to school. I was devistated. I said you are going to make me worry about this my whole Christmas break? They said, well if you trust God you wont worry about it. (which was a cheap shot, but true) Well, as Christmas break was coming to an end I still hadnt heard from them and I had called several times and left messages. Finally, I just decided that I was going to go back without hearing anything from them. So half way to TN, from IL, i got a phone call on my cell phone. It was the school saying I could come back but I had two wks to move out of the dorm.(they werent going to give me anytime as they had already moved everything out of my room and moved someone else in) GASP!! Two wks to come up with money for rent, to find a full time job and an apartment and go to school full time, all while I was still severely struggling with depression? Yah, that made things better. Anyway, when I got back to school. I did none of the following things except go to school and continue working in the Student Services office. I was doing one thing...trusting that God was going to take care of everything. I told my roomate that if they made me move out that I was just going to go live in the homeless shelter that the church of the school sponsored. That wouldnt look so good for them. But I would have done it. Anyway, the day I was supposed to move out of the dorms, the deans came to me and said I could stay to the end of the semester but I would have to live off campus the next semester. What a terrible stigma depression has, and how some people can be so unsupportive of it. Christians arent perfect people, people. Needless to say, I got a lot of lectures on what I should be doing to help my depression..as if I didnt know anything. Dont get me wrong, I'm not dogging the school AT ALL. I would go back in a heart beat. It was the ignorance of people on the situration at hand that lead to bad decision making on the authorities part. I guess this is just an example of why I am blogging. To help people understand. These kind of things need to stop happening because of mental illness.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011, 6:26:50 PM
I'm feeling very discouraged today. But had many encouraging words from friends and family on facebook today. I know that I just need the faith of a mustard seed for this to work. But do you know how many times I've had that much faith or more and nothing got better. Its hard. Especially how crappy I feel after the treatments. They are not fun. You wake up from it and forget where you are, what day, year, month it is and many other things. So far it comes back after a short time. I wake up from the treatment very sore from the muscle contractions of the seizures. I'm very emotional because I wake up unaware and scared. Before my first treatment I asked the dr. if "Am I gonna pee my pants during this?" (you stay in your clothes and even shoes during the procedure) I asked because I know that is what happens when people have grand mal seizures. But the dr. and nurses assured me that it was very rare that that happened. WRONG!!! thats all I'm gonna say about that.
Please pray pray pray pray pray, for me. I cant live like this anymore. This HAS to work. I wish I had the faith my friends and family had. But I've seen so many things fail in the last 15yrs that I'm struggling in the faith department. This makes me very sad. very very sad. I love my Lord and I want to obey HIm by trusting in Him....but I am really struggling. Thank you all for loving me and praying for me. I'll continue to keep you updated. :)
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Monday, April 25, 2011
here we go
Monday, April 25, 2011, 12:59:50 AM
Of course I cant sleep. Today is the first big day.I wanted to explain a bit more how all of this goes down. I am going to have AT LEAST six of these procedures. Three this week and three next week. And if the doctor feels I'm not at my best, i will have follow up treatments for the next five months. However, if he feels that it is not working, he will stop after the sixth treatment. BUT, if he thinks I am at my best after the sixth treatment, he will also stop then as well. From what I've read and what the nurse told me. I'll probably forget conversations and occassions that have happened the last couple weeks to months. So dont be surprised if I repeat myself or forget something. I called my sister tonite and said (jokingly of course) "Goodbyeeee my sister..I will talk to you tomorrow...that is.... if i remember you tomorrow...goodbyeeee." haha you had to be there. I told my dad he better give me a hug in case I die...he said.."Well, dont call me, call 911 or the Ghostbusters." Us Loys can have a warped sense of humor. I remember when my grandma had incurable cancer and she was trying on clothes that she wanted to wear to her own funeral. hahaahha SHe laid on the couch crossed her arms over her chest and made my aunts hold a body length mirror over her so she could see what she looked like. hahaha She was ready to go HOME!! Anyway, I would write more about my depression but I'm tired and rather emotional and trying to stay calm. I leave in four and a half hours. *biting nails vigorously*
Of course I cant sleep. Today is the first big day.I wanted to explain a bit more how all of this goes down. I am going to have AT LEAST six of these procedures. Three this week and three next week. And if the doctor feels I'm not at my best, i will have follow up treatments for the next five months. However, if he feels that it is not working, he will stop after the sixth treatment. BUT, if he thinks I am at my best after the sixth treatment, he will also stop then as well. From what I've read and what the nurse told me. I'll probably forget conversations and occassions that have happened the last couple weeks to months. So dont be surprised if I repeat myself or forget something. I called my sister tonite and said (jokingly of course) "Goodbyeeee my sister..I will talk to you tomorrow...that is.... if i remember you tomorrow...goodbyeeee." haha you had to be there. I told my dad he better give me a hug in case I die...he said.."Well, dont call me, call 911 or the Ghostbusters." Us Loys can have a warped sense of humor. I remember when my grandma had incurable cancer and she was trying on clothes that she wanted to wear to her own funeral. hahaahha SHe laid on the couch crossed her arms over her chest and made my aunts hold a body length mirror over her so she could see what she looked like. hahaha She was ready to go HOME!! Anyway, I would write more about my depression but I'm tired and rather emotional and trying to stay calm. I leave in four and a half hours. *biting nails vigorously*
here we go
Monday, April 25, 2011, 12:59:50 AM
Of course I cant sleep. Today is the first big day.I wanted to explain a bit more how all of this goes down. I am going to have AT LEAST six of these procedures. Three this week and three next week. And if the doctor feels I'm not at my best, i will have follow up treatments for the next five months. However, if he feels that it is not working, he will stop after the sixth treatment. BUT, if he thinks I am at my best after the sixth treatment, he will also stop then as well. From what I've read and what the nurse told me. I'll probably forget conversations and occassions that have happened the last couple weeks to months. So dont be surprised if I repeat myself or forget something. I called my sister tonite and said (jokingly of course) "Goodbyeeee my sister..I will talk to you tomorrow...that is.... if i remember you tomorrow...goodbyeeee." haha you had to be there. I told my dad he better give me a hug in case I die...he said.."Well, dont call me, call 911 or the Ghostbusters." Us Loys can have a warped sense of humor. I remember when my grandma had incurable cancer and she was trying on clothes that she wanted to wear to her own funeral. hahaahha SHe laid on the couch crossed her arms over her chest and made my aunts hold a body length mirror over her so she could see what she looked like. hahaha She was ready to go HOME!! Anyway, I would write more about my depression but I'm tired and rather emotional and trying to stay calm. I leave in four and a half hours. *biting nails vigorously*
Of course I cant sleep. Today is the first big day.I wanted to explain a bit more how all of this goes down. I am going to have AT LEAST six of these procedures. Three this week and three next week. And if the doctor feels I'm not at my best, i will have follow up treatments for the next five months. However, if he feels that it is not working, he will stop after the sixth treatment. BUT, if he thinks I am at my best after the sixth treatment, he will also stop then as well. From what I've read and what the nurse told me. I'll probably forget conversations and occassions that have happened the last couple weeks to months. So dont be surprised if I repeat myself or forget something. I called my sister tonite and said (jokingly of course) "Goodbyeeee my sister..I will talk to you tomorrow...that is.... if i remember you tomorrow...goodbyeeee." haha you had to be there. I told my dad he better give me a hug in case I die...he said.."Well, dont call me, call 911 or the Ghostbusters." Us Loys can have a warped sense of humor. I remember when my grandma had incurable cancer and she was trying on clothes that she wanted to wear to her own funeral. hahaahha SHe laid on the couch crossed her arms over her chest and made my aunts hold a body length mirror over her so she could see what she looked like. hahaha She was ready to go HOME!! Anyway, I would write more about my depression but I'm tired and rather emotional and trying to stay calm. I leave in four and a half hours. *biting nails vigorously*
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Saturday, April 23, 2011, So I now feel like an even bigger freak, now that I've shared some of my most vulnerable life things. UGH. what have I got myself into? haha. I remember one time when I was around 19 my friend and I had plans to go out. Well, she blew me off. I had called her folks house and they said she had left to go to Dixon. And without crying or anything nor had I been having suicidal thoughts. I said to myself" I'm gonna kill myself". So I went to the cupboard to find as many pills as I could. Literally as soon as I was fixin to take them, the doorbell rang. It was my friend who "blew me off" SHe said she was on her way to Dixon and suddenly felt the need to turn around to come and get me. And for everyone who knows this area and that I lived in TRiumph. NOBODY ever came to Triumph, I ALWAYS met my friends in Mendota. It was such a (what I call) "A God thang." My point of the story is really to let people know not to go too long with out seeking professional help, if you feel you are felling depressed or having symptoms of depression. Because you never know who, what, where or when a suicial thought can be triggered.
Sunday, April 24, 2011,7:18:57 AM.
welp, I still havent slept yet. I was so tired last night I was excited! I thought for sure I would sleep well. No such luck. Tomorrow is the big day. I get my first ECT treatment.I have to leave here at 5:30 in the morning. I cant take my anxiety meds *biting nails already* I can't eat after midnight and I have to take 20mg of Pepcid (I'm not sure why, I'll have to ask tomorrow) Anyway, I'm more nervous that this procedure wont work, than I am nervous about anything else. The other day when I was in group one of the members said "I'm proud of you Missy, because you keep on pushing, searching for ways to get better, doing what it takes." I almost started crying because what he doesnt know is that I feel like the biggest failure ever. Failure of everything. Everytime I've tried to push through this depression, Ive failed. I've failed at everything I've tried to do to help myself. To me, I've failed in God's eyes, to my folks, to my family, to my friends, to jobs and schools. I feel I've never suceeded. NEVER. Every medicine and therapy's have failed me. If this procedure fails. I really don't know what I'll do. I told my mom last night that I even failed at trying to kill myself. In 2001 I overdosed with 2-3 hundred prescription pills. Approx: 90 Paxil, 60 Wellbutrin, 30 Ambien, 25 Xanax, some Vicodin and every over the counter drug I could find. My mom found me and called 911. They did call a code blue on me, but by the next day I was to my normal self (health wise). Another time I tried, was in 2005. I had found a brand new prescription of my dads blood pressure medicine so I stole it. That night before I went to bed, I took the whole bottle in hopes I would just "go" in my sleep. But noooooooo. I woke up the next morning as if nothing had happen. My friend and I get a chuckle out of that one...saying God aint about to let me go. Any who. I don't know how my brain/body is going to react to this treatment. They say I can lose my my short term memory in lenghts of weeks to months and worst case scenerio, years. But they say it comes back around within a couple of months after stopping treatment. So I dont know if I'll be blogging or what. I sure want to and I'm having my mom write down things she finds out of the ordinary so I can share with you all what I dont recognize or remember. I'm staying with my folks during this time due to the intensity of the procedure. My mom even took a leave of absence from work to take me to and from my appts and to be with me. :) Thats love, yo! I LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH!! You have no idea how much love in my heart I have for people. Oh! And please never try to commit suicide. thats just silly. like i've said I've dealt with it since I was a little girl and I'm cough38cough now. i was just so exhausted. Its a fight just to survive each day. I'm going to extremes to get help. It usually doesnt have to go this far. But I know withouut a reason of a doubt there is a reason GOD has let it get to this point. I hope soon that I will be shouting from the mountain top of how God took this poor, weak, worthless servant and made her into something wonderful! much love to you all, once again. And please oh please if you are praying for me, not only pray that this will work, but that it will have EXTRAORDINARY results. thanks guys. luuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuv you!!!!
Sunday, April 24, 2011,7:18:57 AM.
welp, I still havent slept yet. I was so tired last night I was excited! I thought for sure I would sleep well. No such luck. Tomorrow is the big day. I get my first ECT treatment.I have to leave here at 5:30 in the morning. I cant take my anxiety meds *biting nails already* I can't eat after midnight and I have to take 20mg of Pepcid (I'm not sure why, I'll have to ask tomorrow) Anyway, I'm more nervous that this procedure wont work, than I am nervous about anything else. The other day when I was in group one of the members said "I'm proud of you Missy, because you keep on pushing, searching for ways to get better, doing what it takes." I almost started crying because what he doesnt know is that I feel like the biggest failure ever. Failure of everything. Everytime I've tried to push through this depression, Ive failed. I've failed at everything I've tried to do to help myself. To me, I've failed in God's eyes, to my folks, to my family, to my friends, to jobs and schools. I feel I've never suceeded. NEVER. Every medicine and therapy's have failed me. If this procedure fails. I really don't know what I'll do. I told my mom last night that I even failed at trying to kill myself. In 2001 I overdosed with 2-3 hundred prescription pills. Approx: 90 Paxil, 60 Wellbutrin, 30 Ambien, 25 Xanax, some Vicodin and every over the counter drug I could find. My mom found me and called 911. They did call a code blue on me, but by the next day I was to my normal self (health wise). Another time I tried, was in 2005. I had found a brand new prescription of my dads blood pressure medicine so I stole it. That night before I went to bed, I took the whole bottle in hopes I would just "go" in my sleep. But noooooooo. I woke up the next morning as if nothing had happen. My friend and I get a chuckle out of that one...saying God aint about to let me go. Any who. I don't know how my brain/body is going to react to this treatment. They say I can lose my my short term memory in lenghts of weeks to months and worst case scenerio, years. But they say it comes back around within a couple of months after stopping treatment. So I dont know if I'll be blogging or what. I sure want to and I'm having my mom write down things she finds out of the ordinary so I can share with you all what I dont recognize or remember. I'm staying with my folks during this time due to the intensity of the procedure. My mom even took a leave of absence from work to take me to and from my appts and to be with me. :) Thats love, yo! I LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH!! You have no idea how much love in my heart I have for people. Oh! And please never try to commit suicide. thats just silly. like i've said I've dealt with it since I was a little girl and I'm cough38cough now. i was just so exhausted. Its a fight just to survive each day. I'm going to extremes to get help. It usually doesnt have to go this far. But I know withouut a reason of a doubt there is a reason GOD has let it get to this point. I hope soon that I will be shouting from the mountain top of how God took this poor, weak, worthless servant and made her into something wonderful! much love to you all, once again. And please oh please if you are praying for me, not only pray that this will work, but that it will have EXTRAORDINARY results. thanks guys. luuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuv you!!!!
Friday, April 22, 2011
today is April 20th, 2011. Yesterday I finished up my pre-ECT tests. I had to get a physical from my Primary Physician, a chest x-ray, an EKG, blood work and a urine sample. The doctor's nurse that is going to perform the ECT called me today and said they already had everything but the chest x-ray, and that we should be able to get the procedure started Monday the 25th of this month. And that she would call me Friday with more details. What I've researched and what I've been told by the Dr. and nurse involved in this is that they are going to do a bi-lateral shock treatment. This is where they shock both sides of the brain. The research and Dr. both said that this type, as opposed to just shocking one side of the brain, is more effective. From what he told me these shocks put you in a full blown grand mal seizure. However, they give you meds to paralyze your body to keep you safe, and they put you under general anastheic. He said the most common side effects, are short term memory loss, headache and bodyache. The reason for the body ache is because all though your body isnt physically moving during the treatment, your muscles are.
My appt. on April 12th with the specialist went very well. He was very nice with a good sense of humor. He was honest and kind.. Anyway he basically told me the things in the fore mentioned paragraph. He also told me that because I was resistant to so many anti depressants, that I had a lower percentage of this procedure being effective. He said just over a 5O percent chance. And if I would have came in earlier (like yrs earlier) it would likely have an even higher success rate. WHO KNEW? although two yrs ago, I admitted myself into the hospital because of severe suical thoughts. But I heard that still small voice inside of me (you know...GOD) say "Missy, right now all I need you to do is exsist." I cried and cried because all I wanted to do was end the suffering. But being obedient to God was more important. This is why I admitted myself in the hospital...to keep my self safe from myself. I begged my Dr. to refer me to ECT and he refused. He thought I didnt need it. and i cant completely blame him. i put on a great facade. and I always lacked on giving out information on how really bad the depression was (which I will get to later.)12:09:58 AM
today is April 21st. I had my group therapy today. I hate group therapy. It just seems to be so much drama and gossip. Anyway, one guy was talking about how he used to have panic attacks when he was little. It made me remember that I too had them as a child. So many things growing up I felt or had, I just took as that was life, these things were normal. A few of the big things that attributed to my childhood depression are the following (although I believe with every fiber of my being I was born with depression/anxiety)..the first thing is started during the summer between my second and third grade yrs. I remember my mom being in the bathroom using the mirror above the sink. So I used the body length mirror on the door. I remember seeing an eyelash on my cheek. I was extremely facinated with it. (for some psycho reason) so I had to have more of them. I stood there for several minutes pulling out eyelashes and staring at them, it was a weird obsession. Unfortunately the pulling of the eyelashes did not stop there and hasnt stopped for the past thirty years. I have a thing called Trichotillomania. Its kind of like OCD. This is the first time Ive really talked about it with anyone..including family and therapists. Ten yrs after this started, the summer between my Jr. and Sr. year, i began to pull out my eyebrows!! Yay beauty at its finest!! :/ I'm not quite sure why ten yrs later this began in another direction. I do know that my senior year I was very, very depressed. Of course I didnt know it was depression. Again i just thought it was the way everyone was. Anyway, I CANNOT impress upon anyone the humiliation that this diagnosis affected me. It steals your self image and crushes it like some kind of unstoppable monster. How do you explain as an eight year old to an adult why you dont have eyelashes? when it is self inflicted...so to speak. Ive begged and cried to God to take this "curse" away from me. But I guess we never know what God uses to humble us. I now wear false eyelahes and use eyeliner to pencil in where my eyebrows should be. So if anyone had ever thought I was cute or something...you were as far away from the truth as possible. Now that I have the fake eyelashes, there is still a significant amount of stress. What if it rains and the eyelashes get wet? (they ruin when they get wet) what if I cry? what if I get sweaty? what if I want to go swimming? (which I dont) what if the eyelash glue wears off? what if I want to spend the night some where and then have to take them off and people see the "real" super ugly me? what if someone gets to close and points them out? what do i say? and the list literally goes on and on. These are thoughts I have on a daily basis. My whole life I've feared getting to physically or emotionally close to ANYONE in fear that they would ask me why I do that and I really have no explanation. this disease or whatever it is has impacted my life so negatively that i could write a whole book about it. I guess however it has made me much more sensative to others insecurities. Who are we to judge what makes someone insecure?
Another childhood "thing" was that I started wetting the bed at about that same time. This went on until i was fourteen years old! yes, I said fourteen. So that meant very few sleepovers for me. This also added to the out of control feeling I had with the Trichotillomania. Another big insecurity for a child.
Also at this time I started having night terrors. I know to anyone who knows stuff about stuff, that all of these things point to abuse or trama of some kind. But there was none. Like I said i feel I was born with these anxietys and such.
Well, four more days until I start my ECT treatments. Lord I ask for your mercy and grace. 11:58:22 PM
Well, its 22 April, 2011, 4:27:28 AM. Irregular sleeping habits is also of course a sypmtom of depression. I just had to get up and get a drink and walk around for a bit. I also have restless leg syndrome. UGH!! One of the most uncomfortable, odd feelings ever!! I hate it. I've had trouble sleeping since I was very small. I would cry many days before school because I was so tired due to lack of sleep. When I was in the seventh grade I got Mono. After that I was never quite the same. My mom took me to the dr. about a year later and told the dr. that I was always tired and never had the strength or energy that I used to have. The dr. said that that the virus is believed to stay in your body for the rest of your life. I've asked Dr.s, Professors, therapists and people who have had mono and they all say that the persons who have had it have never been the same. So I believe that this added to my already depressed state. After that, I never wanted to go to school. I hated it. I did well without opening a book, but I hated it. I often skipped school when my parents were both at work just so I could stay home and sleep. I never skipped school to go out and do party things...just to sleep. The same went with high school. Although looking back. My depression came more in waves. I remember maybe for six months I would be able to do things socially. But then maybe for three months I would retreat and isolate. I skipped a lot of highschool too. Again just to stay home and sleep. However, to those of you reading this that knew me in high school, know that I was quite the little social butterfly, cracking jokes, telling funny stories and just really living it up. but no one knew that every night i would stuff my head in my pillow and cry for hours and have no idea why. Again, this was something I just thought everyone did. I never told people a lot of things because I didnt know it wasn't normal. At least I think thats why...
My appt. on April 12th with the specialist went very well. He was very nice with a good sense of humor. He was honest and kind.. Anyway he basically told me the things in the fore mentioned paragraph. He also told me that because I was resistant to so many anti depressants, that I had a lower percentage of this procedure being effective. He said just over a 5O percent chance. And if I would have came in earlier (like yrs earlier) it would likely have an even higher success rate. WHO KNEW? although two yrs ago, I admitted myself into the hospital because of severe suical thoughts. But I heard that still small voice inside of me (you know...GOD) say "Missy, right now all I need you to do is exsist." I cried and cried because all I wanted to do was end the suffering. But being obedient to God was more important. This is why I admitted myself in the hospital...to keep my self safe from myself. I begged my Dr. to refer me to ECT and he refused. He thought I didnt need it. and i cant completely blame him. i put on a great facade. and I always lacked on giving out information on how really bad the depression was (which I will get to later.)12:09:58 AM
today is April 21st. I had my group therapy today. I hate group therapy. It just seems to be so much drama and gossip. Anyway, one guy was talking about how he used to have panic attacks when he was little. It made me remember that I too had them as a child. So many things growing up I felt or had, I just took as that was life, these things were normal. A few of the big things that attributed to my childhood depression are the following (although I believe with every fiber of my being I was born with depression/anxiety)..the first thing is started during the summer between my second and third grade yrs. I remember my mom being in the bathroom using the mirror above the sink. So I used the body length mirror on the door. I remember seeing an eyelash on my cheek. I was extremely facinated with it. (for some psycho reason) so I had to have more of them. I stood there for several minutes pulling out eyelashes and staring at them, it was a weird obsession. Unfortunately the pulling of the eyelashes did not stop there and hasnt stopped for the past thirty years. I have a thing called Trichotillomania. Its kind of like OCD. This is the first time Ive really talked about it with anyone..including family and therapists. Ten yrs after this started, the summer between my Jr. and Sr. year, i began to pull out my eyebrows!! Yay beauty at its finest!! :/ I'm not quite sure why ten yrs later this began in another direction. I do know that my senior year I was very, very depressed. Of course I didnt know it was depression. Again i just thought it was the way everyone was. Anyway, I CANNOT impress upon anyone the humiliation that this diagnosis affected me. It steals your self image and crushes it like some kind of unstoppable monster. How do you explain as an eight year old to an adult why you dont have eyelashes? when it is self inflicted...so to speak. Ive begged and cried to God to take this "curse" away from me. But I guess we never know what God uses to humble us. I now wear false eyelahes and use eyeliner to pencil in where my eyebrows should be. So if anyone had ever thought I was cute or something...you were as far away from the truth as possible. Now that I have the fake eyelashes, there is still a significant amount of stress. What if it rains and the eyelashes get wet? (they ruin when they get wet) what if I cry? what if I get sweaty? what if I want to go swimming? (which I dont) what if the eyelash glue wears off? what if I want to spend the night some where and then have to take them off and people see the "real" super ugly me? what if someone gets to close and points them out? what do i say? and the list literally goes on and on. These are thoughts I have on a daily basis. My whole life I've feared getting to physically or emotionally close to ANYONE in fear that they would ask me why I do that and I really have no explanation. this disease or whatever it is has impacted my life so negatively that i could write a whole book about it. I guess however it has made me much more sensative to others insecurities. Who are we to judge what makes someone insecure?
Another childhood "thing" was that I started wetting the bed at about that same time. This went on until i was fourteen years old! yes, I said fourteen. So that meant very few sleepovers for me. This also added to the out of control feeling I had with the Trichotillomania. Another big insecurity for a child.
Also at this time I started having night terrors. I know to anyone who knows stuff about stuff, that all of these things point to abuse or trama of some kind. But there was none. Like I said i feel I was born with these anxietys and such.
Well, four more days until I start my ECT treatments. Lord I ask for your mercy and grace. 11:58:22 PM
Well, its 22 April, 2011, 4:27:28 AM. Irregular sleeping habits is also of course a sypmtom of depression. I just had to get up and get a drink and walk around for a bit. I also have restless leg syndrome. UGH!! One of the most uncomfortable, odd feelings ever!! I hate it. I've had trouble sleeping since I was very small. I would cry many days before school because I was so tired due to lack of sleep. When I was in the seventh grade I got Mono. After that I was never quite the same. My mom took me to the dr. about a year later and told the dr. that I was always tired and never had the strength or energy that I used to have. The dr. said that that the virus is believed to stay in your body for the rest of your life. I've asked Dr.s, Professors, therapists and people who have had mono and they all say that the persons who have had it have never been the same. So I believe that this added to my already depressed state. After that, I never wanted to go to school. I hated it. I did well without opening a book, but I hated it. I often skipped school when my parents were both at work just so I could stay home and sleep. I never skipped school to go out and do party things...just to sleep. The same went with high school. Although looking back. My depression came more in waves. I remember maybe for six months I would be able to do things socially. But then maybe for three months I would retreat and isolate. I skipped a lot of highschool too. Again just to stay home and sleep. However, to those of you reading this that knew me in high school, know that I was quite the little social butterfly, cracking jokes, telling funny stories and just really living it up. but no one knew that every night i would stuff my head in my pillow and cry for hours and have no idea why. Again, this was something I just thought everyone did. I never told people a lot of things because I didnt know it wasn't normal. At least I think thats why...
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