welp, today I missed another family event. the kind I hate missing the most. I missed seeing my cousin/dear friend, that I haven't seen in a few years. I don't really know why I'm writing this as I'm so tired of thinking these things, let alone writing them.
 I've ALWAYS felt like the black sheep of my family and friends. ALWAYS. As a small child up until probably high school, I begged my parents to move. Anywhere and everywhere. I guess in my mind I thought maybe if I lived somewhere else I would "fit" in. I don't know many little kids that beg to be uprooted from their lives of friends and families. But that is all I wanted. I wanted to feel "normal."  As a child all I knew was moving was a big change and that's what I wanted. I know that family and friends probably never sensed that this is the way I felt because I "acted" my way through life. I guess that leaves me here. I got tired of acting and now I don't really know who I am or how to live without pretending. I don't have coping skills to get me through difficult things. things that I should have learned as a child but didn't (because of things I'm not going to get in to) Now as an adult when I have the means to be "myself" I still feel like the black sheep. I feel that no one understands my illness (chronic depression/anxiety) and if people do understand it, they understand it as a short-term situation. I do the best with what I have and am physically and mentally able to do.  If anyone thinks that I love sitting here by myself 24/7 with no lights on, not taking care of myself in any way, shape, or form all because I cant find it in me to care about myself... Struggling to financially survive. ....................I just don't know what to say anymore. I just don't. Like I've told a couple of people. and maybe I've written in an earlier blog..I don't remember. But because of one time I was going to commit suicide and I heard God CLEARLY say "SUICIDE IS NOT AN OPTION"  I feel like I cant kill myself either. I am more afraid of God's consequences of not obeying Him than I am of taking my own life. This angers me. I cant tell you how good the sweet relief of death is so appealing to me.
ok. I don't know what else to say because, again, I just feel that people don't REALLY GET IT. (and it's not their fault) I may be wrong. but its just how I feel.