welp, today I missed another family event. the kind I hate missing the most. I missed seeing my cousin/dear friend, that I haven't seen in a few years. I don't really know why I'm writing this as I'm so tired of thinking these things, let alone writing them.
 I've ALWAYS felt like the black sheep of my family and friends. ALWAYS. As a small child up until probably high school, I begged my parents to move. Anywhere and everywhere. I guess in my mind I thought maybe if I lived somewhere else I would "fit" in. I don't know many little kids that beg to be uprooted from their lives of friends and families. But that is all I wanted. I wanted to feel "normal."  As a child all I knew was moving was a big change and that's what I wanted. I know that family and friends probably never sensed that this is the way I felt because I "acted" my way through life. I guess that leaves me here. I got tired of acting and now I don't really know who I am or how to live without pretending. I don't have coping skills to get me through difficult things. things that I should have learned as a child but didn't (because of things I'm not going to get in to) Now as an adult when I have the means to be "myself" I still feel like the black sheep. I feel that no one understands my illness (chronic depression/anxiety) and if people do understand it, they understand it as a short-term situation. I do the best with what I have and am physically and mentally able to do.  If anyone thinks that I love sitting here by myself 24/7 with no lights on, not taking care of myself in any way, shape, or form all because I cant find it in me to care about myself... Struggling to financially survive. ....................I just don't know what to say anymore. I just don't. Like I've told a couple of people. and maybe I've written in an earlier blog..I don't remember. But because of one time I was going to commit suicide and I heard God CLEARLY say "SUICIDE IS NOT AN OPTION"  I feel like I cant kill myself either. I am more afraid of God's consequences of not obeying Him than I am of taking my own life. This angers me. I cant tell you how good the sweet relief of death is so appealing to me.
ok. I don't know what else to say because, again, I just feel that people don't REALLY GET IT. (and it's not their fault) I may be wrong. but its just how I feel.

Update

OK, so I'm writing to update. I'm beginning to wonder why I started this blog in the first place. Because I dread writing in it each time. But the reason(s) I'm writing, is that if (I know this sounds cliche) but if it can help one person to know they are not alone, or help someone to be more empathetic towards mental illness or in any other way, it will be worth it.
Things seemed to be going a little better the end of summer and beginning of fall last year. Then it went down hill. Now I don't know if it was because of the winter weather where SADD creeps up on many people. All I know is that once again I felt completely immobilized. I practically was. I would sleep 16-20hrs a day. I would pretty much never leave the house. If I did it was just to walk out and get the mail every couple of wks, or drive a mile down the road to the local convenient store. (and that was only like once or twice a month) Then I got to where I wouldn't leave at all. My mom started bringing food over because she knew I wouldn't leave the house to go get food. Don't get me wrong, I'm not at all agoraphobic,I just don't care, or have any motivation, energy, and a lot of other things.
I think I wrote in my last blog post that I was thinking about just admitting myself permanently into some kind of institute. That is really what I wanted to do. This way I would be a burden to no one. So I called my caseworker and told her what I wanted to do. I called her because from the first day I met her she has gone above and beyond her call of duty, and I knew she would get the job done quickly and painlessly. Welp. She had other plans. She came to my house. She told me of the services that they have to keep me out of an institute. So now I have a residential lady that comes twice a wk to help me with whatever or if I just need to talk. So far we've just talked. Then I have a recovery coach that comes once a wk. He is really awesome. He has had mental illness and really "gets it" and then my caseworker comes once a wk. She is an angel, my mom and I are so grateful for her. I cannot speak highly enough of her. Anyway, I seemed to be doing a little better, and then of course some physical things popped up and I quickly went downhill again. I've been having fleeting thoughts of suicide which I haven't had in a long time. If I didn't tell you, or you don't remember. about three years ago, I was lying in bed thinking about suicide, and how much I just wanted to die. And I heard (what some people call "that still small voice") meaning God. He said "Missy, suicide is not an option." and from that day I have never thought of it as an option again. I may have the thoughts of wishing I could have those thoughts (if that makes sense) it even makes me angry sometimes knowing I cant do it. I'm more scared of disobeying God in committing suicide, than I am of the actual act of suicide.
So anyway, this is my not so exciting update. OH, one more thing, my caseworker and I are working on getting me an appointment into Mayo's to get checked from head to toe. So hopefully that is the next step. ....."hope" is hard word for me to say anymore..doesn't seem like that I have much left these days.

what now?

hi. I really don't know why I'm writing this. Because I don't really want to talk about my depression anymore. I really believe that I've lost all hope. Yet I don't want anyone to be discouraged by this because I know that God still works, moves and heals others. which I know it contradicting to what I am saying. I'm not really going to say how bad things are because it doesn't do any good and nothing changes by doing so and I don't want people to think I'm looking for a pity party. I've been thinking the last few days about just going to a live in a mental hospital. The reason is, is because I believe I would be taken better care of there. I don't take care of myself. I don't find pleasure or happiness in things, and everyone has to do everything for me. (mainly my mom) and now my case worker is wanting to get someone to come into my home and help me with daily living. I'm not ignorant and I feel like this would just make me feel worse. I know this, once again, is contradicting my suggestion of living in a mental hospital. But its just how I feel. I don't know what to do. I really believe this is the lowest I've been. I know I've tried suicide as a way out in the past, but right now I'm not having those thoughts. I really don't understand it. Who would choose to live in a mental hospital the rest of their lives as opposed to taking their own life? I know not much of this makes sense, but nothing really does to me anymore. I don't know what else to do to get well and to be frank, I don't really care. I'm tired of trying. I just cant do it anymore.
You don't have to leave comments or anything because nothing makes me feel better. The only thing I found hope in was God. And now it almost makes me angry or disgusted to see scriptures or promises from God because where is He now? I'm sorry to God that I feel this way. But I just cant find it in me to care about myself anymore.

death to meatballs

OK, I don't know who reads my occasional posts. And personally I don't know why you would. Anyway, I really don't know what's going on with me. I seem to be getting worse, even though I've tried new things that are clinically proven to help depressed people. My siste3r asked me the other day what causes me to get worse? what are you doing differently or not doing differently? I told her I did not know, that I was was trying to do things to help..I'm more sad..for what I don't know. I cry more. for what I don't know. My body is in a lot of constant physical pain, why I don't know.ok, I'm done writing for now, my computer is being stupid. please pray. again. ugh.

this little light of mine..

hi all. I dont know really know what to write, but I guess I feel I need to. I don't talk/text to anyone anymore except my mom maybe once a day or every other day, and my sister occasionally. Things just aren't good. I've been sleeping about 16hrs a day. I try to sleep more because I just don't want to be awake. I got one of those "mood lights" that a book suggested. I've used it the last three days in a row. It's for like depression or people that get SADD. I noticed the first day, that I didn't even want to turn it off, but the last two days havent seemed to make a difference yet. I'm taking the supplements the author of the book I've mentioned, has suggested. Still not feeling any changes. I did cut back on that med I mentioned the last time, so the suicidal thoughts have subsided quite a bit. Weird thing is though, is that I just want to cry almost ALL the time. I know some people think that this is what depressed people do anyway, but in my case it is not. This is a rare symptom for me. It's hard for me to talk to my mom cuz I just want to cry, sometimes I cant hold it in and sometimes I can. I "stuff" it in because I know there is really nothing to be crying about. I dont know what the problem is. The only other time I had this problem is when we first figured out that what I had was depression. I went to talk to my mom and dad and started crying and couldnt stop. LITERALLY. It was so bad my mom took me to the hospital. This was like 15yrs ago so depression wasnt as "exposed" as it is today. I cried the whole time in the ER and kept telling them I had no idea why I was crying. They sent me home and I, again, would literally cry for three to four hours without stopping. I couldnt control it and I didnt know why I was crying. It could be that way right now, but I understand it more and can control it a bit better, even though I'm crying while I write this. haha
I just know that the only reason I havent taken my life at this point is because of God. I have no hope in myself but I have hope in God. I dont know what He's doing...and it makes me sad sometimes that I am the way I am, but I know from reading the Bible that God uses the most unlikely and the weakest to show how mighty He is. I just hope that I fall into that category. As always please pray for me. I have no idea when things will get better. I'm trying and always have tried to get better. I really am doing the best *I* can.

no title today.

I've been having several fleeting thoughts of suicide lately. Death just seems so easy. I guess it really is. To die is much easier than to live. I'm just so tired. Tired of being unhappy and overwhelmed and worthless to others. But today I remembered that I asked my Dr. to up one of my meds just a little, about a month ago. One that helps with anxiety/depression. It helps with the physical pain I get from these things. The thing is the last few years, whenever I try a new anti depressant I get more suicidal. oxymoron to say the least. But I always forget that the meds are USUALLY (in the past few years) what give me these thoughts. So I just went back tonite to the dose I was on before. I'm hoping this is the cause. Please pray for me. I don't want to live like this anymore. I'm trying to take steps to what the book I'm reading gives to get well. All natural things. But blessed be to God. He is the Lover of my soul and the only reason I keep on living.

Sleepless in LaSattle.

OK, I'm mainly blogging cuz I'm just really having a rough time these past few wks and I need prayer. Some of you know that I was diagnosed with anemia and my thyroid numbers got worse. So I know these two things have really laid more heavily on my depression. I've been on my iron pills and my upped thyroid meds for a week now, and I was hoping I would feel a little better, but if anything, I feel a worse. I looked up the side effects for iron and they did say it could cause drowsiness and weakness. It literally seems like any med I take I get the bad instead of the good. Even on stupid iron! Who would of thought? I haven't left the bed much in the past couple weeks. When I would go to the couch and do a little something around the house I was having a decent day. If I take out the trash. I thank God. If I wash 3 cups. I thank God. Because I know ANYTHING that I do outside of laying in my bed comes from God...because I just dont have it in me to do anything..pretty much that is to be taken in a literal sense. I don't know why I started this blog. I put so many embarassing (to me) things in it about my life, that I've kept to myself from everyone. Except maybe my mom. And still she doesnt know the extent of everything. No one does. I have my class reunion this Friday. And I thought I was excited about it. Well, I was trying to make myself. I got to get a new outfit. And my dad is paying for me to get my hair highlighted, so these are good things. But I am dreading it so much. It's not really the reunion I dread...but the getting ready for it. I run soooooooo low on energy and motivation that it makes me not want to do anything. WARNING. this next comment is super embarassing for me and I'm sure I'll regret that I wrote it. But tomorrow my mom is coming over to help me with my hair. I go so long (months) without washing it that it gets so tangled that I cant do it by myself. This has gone on for the last 6yrs. Everytime I say I'm not letting it get this bad again and everytime my mom says she's not helping me again. Well, here we are six years later. heehee. Thank goodness for my mom.
I rarely drink, but I probably will drink at the reunion. My anxiety gets so high on any given day and exceptionally high on events. And the alcohol calms my nerves. Don't get me wrong..I don't do this but for rarely. Alcoholism runs on both sides of my family so I know how easily that could turn my way. I believe God has saved me from going down that road. I know from close up experience that alcholics are depressed and are just self medicating. I stay in bed...they drink. Anyway. I guess I am just giving a little update. Also if you think of it, could you pray for my lonliness. I'm really super lonely. thanks everyone. love you...Missy.